GIRL, GET UP! - How To Create A NEW VERSION Of Yourself In 2023!

 

"On today's episode of women of impact, the incredibly aura inspiring Sarah jakes Roberts is here and sharing her darkest battles. I don't feel smart I don't feel worthy I don't feel valuable this is my truth and how her struggles of self-worth value and self-esteem when she fell pregnant at the young age of just 14. I can remember saying I can do better than this.

I can do better than this as a very public daughter of the famous pioneer bishop td jakes. she talks about everything from overcoming shame judgment self-betrayal and toxic relationships.

When we know that I am betraying myself to be in relationship with someone, then I have to ask myself what I am receiving to them that is so valuable that I am willing to betray myself. A New York times bestselling author of women evolve she is here to be the most beautiful example that your past doesn't ever define your future. Ask me to let that sit that was so powerful girl welcome to women of impact with the ever-evolving powerhouse Sarah jakes Roberts.

“Welcome to the show Sarah, thank you for having me I am so excited oh my God me too I’ve read your book it is freaking amazing I have pulled out so many wonderful things for us to talk about. But to me I think the very first place that I want to start which is a very bold statement that I heard you say is about self-worth and that you believe that this is actually the biggest challenge you think that women face.

Today for sure so I actually want to start there what does self-worth actually mean to you? oh self-worth is my belief that I belong wherever I am in whatever room or space that I’m in and that I bring value to that space that I’m not just there because someone else couldn't come or I’m not just there because they didn't find someone better, but that I bring value no matter where I am and I feel like so many times women go into a space wanting someone to validate their existence or for someone to give them validation and worth and yet self-worth is believing in the value that I bring when I come into a room or space. Okay that's amazing so how on earth do you go from someone that doesn't have self-worth to being able to so freaking articulate what it means to you?”

"Okay so I am coming from someone who didn't believe that I had a lot of worth or value and it was because of what I had gone through. I felt like because I’m a teen mom, because I’m a divorcee, because I dropped out of college, I am not as valuable as the person who doesn't have scars. It wasn't until I really began to examine my scars that I value it didn't subtract from my value and so I began to learn that I can go into spaces that maybe other people couldn't go into. The only reason why I’m talking to you today is because of the very thing that I thought didn't give me value. The only reason why I’m able to connect with the women I’ve been blessed to connect with, is because of the very thing that I thought took away from my value. But I do think that it takes confronting our scars, confronting our experiences and gleaning the wisdom and the lessons and compassion connected those moments in our life”.

 "Okay, so how then or where do we even start right because that's so beautiful and I completely agree but take me back to that moment where so you know you were 13 yeah full pregnant and I’m sure everything you just said didn't feel real at that time right now so take me through that um how you managed to really keep going and then how you started to pass through your mental emotional state to be able to get to the point where you can now look back and say I wouldn't be sitting right but right now i think about that one person that person that is struggling just how you were what are the things that we can say or that you can say that can really shake them to believe hey this is what you can do I’ve done it too so take me back to that to the very start if you will okay.”

So, I got pregnant at 13, I had my son at 14 years old, and I wish that I could tell you that I started healing and forgiving myself in that moment, but I didn't. I was so ashamed I was so afraid that other people wouldn't see my worth or my value that I wanted to pile other things on top of that truth so my truth was that I got pregnant as a teenager but I wanted my truth to also be that I graduated high school early, that I got the marriage that I had the white picket fence because I felt like, if I add some good truth then maybe the truth that stings won't sting. Is badly what I learned is that it's still stung. No matter what I tried to achieve, it still stung no matter the marriage, the white picket fence, the achievements it's still stung. 

And so it wasn't until I did as we do when we go to a doctor and really started pinpointing where does it hurt the most what is it about this experience that hurts the most what are the thoughts started healing and forgiving myself in that moment but I didn't. I was so ashamed I was so afraid that other people wouldn't see my worth or my value that I wanted to pile other things on top of that truth so my truth was that I got pregnant as a teenager but I wanted my truth to also be that I graduated high school early, that I got the marriage that I had the white picket fence because I felt like, if I add some good truth then maybe the truth that stings won't sting. Is badly what I learned is that it's still stung. No matter what I tried to achieve, it still stung no matter the marriage, the white picket fence, the achievements it's still stung. And so, it wasn't until I did as we do when we go to a doctor and really started pinpointing where does it hurt the most what is it about this experience that hurts the most what are the thoughts.

I don't think that I am as valuable or as smart as the woman beside me people would tell me that I was smart growing up and I was like smart girls don't get pregnant at an early age and so I had to really come to this space where I realized I don't feel smart, I don't feel worthy, I don't feel valuable this is my truth and as painful as that was to say it was also liberating because I took the whisper that was haunting me and taunting me throughout my life/. And finally gave it a voice and when I finally gave it a voice i had to ask myself now do you want to think like this act like this and believe like this for the rest of your life? 

Who would you be if you did not believe this? Who would you be if you felt like you know what there's nothing i can do to change it but what do? i want to do with what i have, leftovers everything we're going to do in our life is going to happen with leftovers our dream, our ambition, our purpose is beautiful but you know the ingredients our leftovers and so whether you're left over is you're a widow or you're a single mother or you dropped out of school when you look at your leftovers, you get to say what meal do i want to create with what i have left. And am I willing to do the work to put it together.

 

“Whoa I’ve never heard of it say um been said like that before that really hit me the leftovers wow girl oh girl all the powers in the leftovers anyone who we've ever admired if we really listen at their story and choose to not be blinded by their achievements. Then we will hear that everything happened with their leftovers that they said well. This is what I have left and so i took it and i decided to start the business in my garage or i took it and i decided to write the book with my computer. The leftovers are where all the glory is. I’ve never had that was so far the leftovers that's so empowering because in those moments where you're shrugging and you're judging the leftovers. Where you want to get rid of the leftovers you want to hide the leftovers you want to trash it. It’s the reframe I’m such a fan of perspective is everything right if you think something is bad then, you will act in accordance if you think something is beautiful then you act in accordance so reframing the leftovers is amazing.

And i love what you were talking about of letting the whispers speak and I’ve heard you talk you i think you call it um you let the poison speak yeah the poison you know um i came to this epiphany I thought that i had been in a toxic relationship with an individual and i realized that the poison really started with me that, i had my own poison that my insecurities were constantly pumping into my veins that fear was constantly pumping into my veins and i realized that as long as i was poisoned i could only attract poison. And the only way to get poison out is to begin to speak and allow it to come out of you so that you can see just how toxic my thoughts are, just how toxic this false confidence is this false positivity is and now that i have it out there now i have room to just be authentic and real about where I am and that way i can be transformed a lot of times.

"We ask for transformation, but we only want the transformation to be connected to this false version of who we are. But transformation is about authenticity and the more real the more authentic the more vulnerable you can be the more opportunity we have to transform those leftovers into glory". Wow and as you're talking i love the analogies and things that you're saying like the purge you said it kind of made me think about when you have food poisoning yeah right what is the first thing you do you throw it all up you get rid of it gotta get it out of me I gotta get it out of me i feel like even like maybe someone's watching right now and they're like I’ve been holding this in for so long. This pain, this insecurity, this fear has been inside of me too long because I’m afraid. If I let it out that I don't know who I’ll become I’m afraid if I let it out that it'll make a big mess.”

“Well girl we know how to clean up messes let it all out let it all out, let it pour, let it purge get it all out of you. And then we can begin to clean up what is left over after you have these moments, but it can't. it's not doing you any well staying inside of you okay so when you're allowing the poison to come in yeah in those moments it doesn't feel great right it really does you, you're having to face yourself, you're having to face your own ego, your own negative thoughts and in those moments our instinct really is to just stop”.

How do you advise people to encourage them like even though the pain is real?” “Right now, keep going because you will get to the other end because if we don't do this though we're denying ourselves a part of our truth a part of our identity. Just because we don't confront it doesn't mean that it's not a part of us? and to live divided is to say i don't want to confront it I’m going to stop the process and only show up in this one space of who i am and then, yet we want someone who comes into our life, and we want them to make us feel whole. Or we want to be confident about every part of our life but we only live in this divided part of ourselves and so I always challenge people to say that like you have to fall more in love with you than you do with the potential outcome that you're achieving or looking to achieve because when you fall in love with all of you even the parts of you that are divided it does change the way you walk into a space. 

You know i really do believe that our strength is in our want to be confident about every part of our life but we only live in this divided part of ourselves and so I always challenge people to say that like you have to fall more in love with you than you do with the potential outcome that you're achieving or looking to achieve because when you fall in love with all of you even the parts of you that are divided it does change the way you walk into a space. You know i really do believe that our strength is in our...

 “Okay, you know how to lift and prepare for the battle. Better you know how to think when you go into a space but that takes inventory. Oh God yeah, it's interesting because we don't give ourselves permission to really do that with our mind, but we do with other things right? if you're going to practice it's like oh public speaking. Okay yeah, you're going to get up, you're going to practice, you're going to do it time and time again, but we almost don't treat that with our own mindset and the way that we think i totally agree i think it goes back to this idea of I’m afraid that if i look into this that i won't feel worthy or that i will feel silly or not smart and so i am so afraid of not feeling worthy that i don't even want to look at the things that actually make me feel less worthy yeah.

"Uum so how do you start to change that um i heard you say oh God, it was an amazing quote I’m gonna grab it. “Um the greatest enemy lies between your ears yeah oh it's the voices the voices that exist within our own mind that causes the most torment. Um people ask me all the time like how you deal with trolls on social media or people who say you know not so nice things on social media. And for me the comments that sting the worst are the ones that echo and insecurity. I already had now if someone comes on my page and they're like the sky is orange I’m like you're crazy you have no idea what you're talking about. 

But someone comes on and they say something that really hurts my feelings it echoes an insecurity i already had and so i really do believe that really taking inventory right of what are the thoughts in my mind and listen what are the roots connected to those thoughts where did that thought come from did someone speak something over me when i was in school and i took that negative thought and allowed it to become my truth did my parents say something to me and i took that negative thought and allowed it to become truth i talked about in the book how someone told me i always knew to expect something like this out of you when i got pregnant and it changed everything i thought about myself because i said i must be projecting something that makes me that makes other people feel like they can expect you know certain behaviors out of me and um i allowed that to live in my head until i kind of did the work to find the roots.

 

 Oh my god okay so i really want to just highlight what you just said there so when you were younger you get pregnant someone turns around to you and says i always expected something like this out of you yeah okay that's just take a deep breath that's really hard to hear I’m sure I can't i mean it’s hard for me to hear you say let alone as you as a kid at the age of 13 hearing that so that's actually where I’d love to go is about identity is about people trying to put us in a bucket and you've even said that you put yourself in a bucket.

You would call yourself the teen mom and over time like you'd said earlier in this interview that you try to then um replace that with hang on I’m also a college graduate I’m also this what you try to then um replace that with hang on I’m also a college graduate I’m also this how do you block out that voice or start to say that person that comes to you says oh this is what you meant to be?  yeah, so let's talk about that process of how you heard that how you were someone that didn't have any self-worth whatsoever that really did think that they were teen mom that they you know are they meant for any more someone's telling them that day in and day out and your dad is tad jakes like Mr. bishop himself and so all the family pressure the cultural pressure it didn't keep you there yeah.

Let's start breaking that down you know i accepted every thought that came my way if oh man this is so good i accepted every thought whether it was i always knew to expect something like this from you i accepted that that there's something wrong with you if someone says i love you i accepted that too i accept even if their demonstration didn't look like love i accepted every thought that came my way and it wasn't until I realized that just because the thought comes my way doesn't mean i have to accept it to accept the thought is to say I’m going to allow this to now become a part of my truth and there are so many thoughts oh my gosh especially on social media we are inundated with every person's thoughts and ideas and comments and then so we have to really say that this is the vision of who i believe that i can become for me my vision is based off of what I believe god says about me right but ultimately it comes down to this is the vision for my life with all of my leftovers this is what i still hope is possible and if we're honest we still have a hope you know.

 

 I’m still hoping that i can recover I’m still hoping that i can build to really boil it down to what that hope is and then say what are the thoughts and the actions and processes that i need to have in my mind in order to get there but it doesn't keep the thoughts from coming oh god thank you for saying that it doesn't keep the thoughts from coming so many times we feel like i there's something wrong with me because i don't always believe myself there's something wrong with me because i have doubt there's something wrong with me because even though on one hand i feel like I should do this on the other hand i kind of feel crazy the thoughts don't stop coming but you have a response to the thoughts there is something powerful about being able to say.

I don't know if I’m qualified to do this interview, but I’m going to do it anyway sometimes you're going to feel a little crazy but you're going to have to start talking back to yourself i can remember we went on vacation I’ve been doing this book tour i haven't been taking care of my health the way that i usually do i was in the mirror and i was like girl it's not good you need to get it together and then i was like this thought is not serving me in any way right now the only thing it's doing is beating up my confidence so what is a  more purposeful more beautiful thought that i can bring into this environment and then I’ve shifted to having gratitude for my body and thank you for showing up for me and thank you for being strong and just those subtle shifts and talking back to those negative thoughts help to lead us right into the renewing of our minds I it's so important that you said that like i honestly cannot thank you enough for that because people may see you and myself included where they're like oh they're confident it's all right for them and it's like no every day i battle the negative voice that keeps going in my head are you good enough are you worthy enough and i think it's important that people still hear you say that you do that because it's a disservice to them yeah to dismiss you as being gifted yeah as to dismiss you and say well she's got it together it's like no it's still every day she's still doing the work.

It’s never just a it's like in a relationship right it's like you don't just find the person you love meet them marry them potentially and then go okay we're all good now no every day you have to work at that relationship absolutely so just like you have to work a relationship with someone else you have to work in a relationship with yourself yeah and you have to know what it is that you need you know um just like in a relationship like we're not qualified to be in a relationship until we realize what i need a person in my life for what is the best value and purpose that someone can bring into my life as it relates to partnership but to ask those questions of myself where are my deficiencies where are my insecurities and how can i be a better lover of my own soul how can i take better care of my own being so that i am not depending on someone else to be my confidence and my support and my hallelujah and my amen you know what i mean.?

relationship until we realize what i need a person in my life for what is the best value and purpose that someone can bring into my life as it relates to partnership but to ask those questions of myself where are my deficiencies where are my insecurities and how can i be a better lover of my own soul how can i take better care of my own being so that i am not depending on someone else to be my confidence and my support and my hallelujah and my amen you know what i mean.?

Like i don't want someone to have to bring everything if you bring it it's great but you're just going to add to the voices that are already in my own soul. Because I’ve learned to do the workfor myself because yeah i love that and i heard you say something like well when i met someone it was well hang on i love myself am i willing to change my own life to allow this person to come in and disrupt it yeah that's how i felt when i met my husband because i everything like i had finally done the work i was like taking care of myself I was fine you couldn't tell me nothing okay and he came into my life and I’m like he's pretty good he's pretty good i was like how good is he like are you going to leave you alone to be with him. And i was like he could upgrade you might want to move on over there and so i definitely moved over there but i had to really ask that question.

 Because I’d finally learned to protect my space and my energy and me growth and i wanted to know that whoever i was inviting into my space could continue to cultivate the garden of whoi am. And my husband told me on our first date that he felt like his purpose was to create an environment for me to flourish and i tell people all the time everything, they see in my life and in my world has so much to do with my husband creating an environment where i really could flourish wow talk to me then about how you went from being you know married how old were you when you first got married 19. um how you go from having an early marriage and divorce and extreme turmoil I’ve heard you talk about you know very insane stories.  Which i love to share actually to actually give it context because i think that's why I personally love your stories.

 It's because it's not just in isolation it's your story start somewhere and now look where you are and it is such an important for people to hear the ability that they too have to do the transformation if they do the steps. If they put in the focus like you do to go from doing things that make you feel shameful that make you feel embarrassed to where you are today so actually if you don't mind taking me back to the extreme turmoil that you had with your first husband to then lead me to how you were able to say that about your current husband okay so all right I’m gonna try and abbreviate it. But i was married before and i had this moment where i was walking out of child protective services which is a government agency created to make sure that children are protected at home.

 The reason why i was at cps is because my in my previous relationship, he brought someone to our home and i was cooking dinner. And this girl was waiting in the car for him to finish with dinner so that they would like to go on a date of course he didn't tell me she was outside i discovered it.  i was like your car is still running so i creep outside i see she's in the car I’m like what are you doing with my husband, and she was like we're kicking it and i was like kicking it? My mind just left the building i am enraged i get in this car I’m ramming the vehicle over and over and over again until the police come the police is like what's happening here, I’m like my husband brought his girlfriend to my house and i didn't know how to handle that. And he was like i can see how that could happen he's like I’m not going to arrest you, but you are going to have to go to cps because this is probably not the best environment for your children.

 So, I’m walking out of the cps office and now this fear that I’ve had since I became a mother is that i wasn't good enough that i wasn't a good mom that i was a bad mom that i had no business having children all of this has become a reality my motherhood is in question because of an action that i made and i realized in that moment when i was walking out of cps that the relationship was a symptom it was not the disease it was a symptom of an insecurity that started long before i met the person that even the toxic nature of the relationship wasn't just one-sided that i brought my own poison and my own willingness to hurt or betray someone in order to get this prize into their relationship. 

And i had to ask myself how you lower your standards? how did you come to this place where you were willing to because he was in a relationship. When i met him where you were willing to hurt another woman in order for you to have a relationship with someone else. like what what's happening with you we don't like to say this but it's like what what's wrong what's wrong? how did we get here and when i began to see it as a symptom and not the disease i realized that i had been ingesting all of these thoughts that changed my identity so much so that the only thing i wanted was someone who was a reflection of what i already believed about myself and i decided that i didn't want to believe that that about myself anymore.

I can remember saying I can do better than this I can do better than this and every day I just woke up and I thought i can do better than this and so i started doing better and i feel like even now i am in this space. Where I’m like i can do better than this and that road to better allowed me to encounter my husband. It allowed me to start blogging and writing and connecting with other women, but it all started with i can do better than this oh god how do you in those moments because i always find that there's normally two main parts it's the complete opposite like what the hell have i done just like you right like i can do better than this in that moment. It came to you it hit you and you pivoted but what about the people that in those moments go see i knew i was no good told myself and it's almost like they lean into it more as a proof to why they're not worthy yeah how do you suggest that in those moments that people can make that little shift to think like you because that's what it takes perspective it's not even about the ability right.

 It’s not that you yourself were so freaking special that you were able to all of a sudden do this and no one else on the on the planet can it's like no you had a thought you reframed that thought and then you put the time effort and work in that no one can take away from you but you did the work but it was that perspective how do we encourage women to have thatshift in perspective well i would first say that if you know a woman like that that the best thing you can do is love. Her not judge her a lot of times we want so badly for the woman to be free that we kind of push her into freedom but to love her right where she is whether she stays or goes you can always count on me because at the end of the day it's love That leads us out of places of fear and then i would say to that woman as she's going back and she's in a relationship that she knows probably isn't good for her but it's all that she has available to her to ask herself what does this relationship feed in me because that's a really powerful question when we know that i am betraying myself to be in relationship with someone.

 

Then i have to ask myself what am i receiving to them that is so valuable that i am willing to betray myself? What i have learned is that for the most part it comes down to people really feeling like this person i have so much potential and hope in this person that i don't want to walk away from that but if we can turn that hope and potential into inner focus then it's easier to walk away hope is a very powerful thing. 

And I’ve you mentioned it earlier that that almost is like the first step is like assessing your hopes and then can I do this and then moving forward, and I’ve heard of this phrase before but you've Inc. You incubate your hopes yeah, I love that like talk to me about how on earth you incubate hopes um and even just the metaphor is so powerful in my head oh my goodness hope is incubating hope is about creating an environment where hope can continue to grow that might be putting post-it's on your mirror it might be listening to songs that lead you in the direction of hope.

It might be messages and books and sermons and things like what we're doing here where I’m constantly feeding my hope and that i am starving my fears. That means anything that makes me insecure I may have to log off of social media for a minute I may have to create boundaries and not talk to certain people who make me feel less than because I’m trying to incubate my hope and what you'll notice is you start to get more courageous when you're incubating your hope because you begin to allow that to become part of who you are. And part of your DNA oh my God I love that so much um i actually want to go back to something you said earlier which is about toxic people. And i want to read the quote that it really hit me so hard um and it's so beautifully said a toxic person doesn't mean they're evil it just means they need healing.

Yeah, we always want to pass judgment. You’ve said this a few times now and it's like naturally we pass judgment on people and it's like oh they're toxic they're toxic but it's such a beautiful reframe why do you feel like that's powerful for you and how do you implement that well i realized that in my previous marriage it was so easy to be like he did this he did this he did that then i was like yeah but you weren't good for him. Either like your mouth was crazy you were ramming cars like you were so upset and enraged that you became someone that you didn't even like yourself and so to realize that at the end of the day we were both broken.

I think our natural inclination is to have a villain my story needs a villain right, but our lives are not cartoon and animation we are all in this world on a journey trying to do the best. That we can with the childhood we've had with the brokenness that we have experienced and so when we encounter someone that is toxic we have to understand that they are acting thinking and speaking from their brokenness and when we see it as such, we're able to say you know what you cannot pour into me because you are still so poisonous. Yourself but what i can do is wish you the best while I move into spaces and environments that help to edify and allow me to have sustenance because otherwise our um need to be a hero will make us drown in someone else's pool of poison.

 Instead of really taking the time to really you know and my analogies are out here but this i freaking love the analogies um that's so beautiful because i think that that's important to remind ourselves because when someone is toxic we either vilify them which is a hundred percent which i actually don't think that does us ourselves anytime yeah what does that do like but I’ve also heard you say sometimes you want to hold on to some hostileness so talk to me about that and um is that hostility within yourself is that hostility with other people you know it's towards other people now I’m telling this is the best version of me talking to you right now because i want to be very clear that i am very petty when i am not in the best version of myself.

 Okay so if someone does something to me it takes me a minute to come to this place of forgiveness and compassion and they're just broken because i start you know like i hope there's a pebble in their shoe and that is a pettiness yes this is why it's important tell me a couple of the pettiness so that we can say how you shift it no it's a girl no like i hope there is a pebble in their shoe and that it bothers them everywhere they go i hope they walk into a puddle very polite i feel like i hope they you know the falling would be great and scraping of the knees and people walking away from them. i hope someone breaks their heart the way they broke mine. Like i mean, all of the things right but then i spend so much mental real estate thinking about what i want to go wrong with someone. That i don't have time to consider what i want to go well with my own spirit and soul and so when they say forgiveness is for you it's not for the other person. It's kind of become cliché now we don't want to hear it but the truth is that it takes a lot of energy to wish harm on someone and you have to become someone to wish harm on someone and of course we become bitter and resentful.

 

 After that but to then say you know what i don't even have to worry about what's going to happen to them because right now i need to focus on what's happening to me because I’m changing out of this need to be spiteful and revengeful. Yeah, I’ve had like i got like a me a little mental list of people in my head of just like i want to pebble in there shoot everything everywhere yeah exactly every um but you're right and being able to even say it like this makes a light heart. Of it which i think is important but hate takes a lot of energy a lot of that deep seeded you know that like not in your stomach yeah like and so i love that you say you know it's like i am natural.  i get this it doesn't serve me long term and i freaking love that because people are going to want to paint you as being perfect you know that right no people shouldn't do that. No absolutely not i think that if anyone hangs around long enough that they'll see that like i definitely have my moments where I’m feeling depressed why I’m feeling angry why i feel like god how could you even be real if this has happened to me.

 

 Like i don't understand it and here i am a pastor a woman of faith who has these feelings and i try to be very vocal about it even on my social media because i don't want you to think I’m perfect at the expense of you. Thinking there's something wrong with you know it's important for me for you to realize that I’m on a journey too.  I’m trying to figure it out as well and then i share what I’m learning along the way we're students in the same classroom and some of us get good grades sometimes and some of us need tutoring and mentoring but together we can all win yeah god i i love that so much your analogy is just an amazing girl um i want to talk about betrayal because there was actually i heard the story about your sister was the one that wrote a letter to your parents to tell them that you were pregnant at the age of 13. Yeah, i had to rewind it because i was like her sister like when i heard it i was like oh my god like and then i was like how did this not break their relationship and your sister said something that was so profound she said in those that moment it was more important that my sister was okay then my friendship with her yeah i was like wow how do you in those moments so you feel betrayed how do you actually overcome that like that's a very big betrayal which obviously I assume.

 And I’ve heard you say in hindsight it's like it probably was great yeah but, in those moments, it feels like you've actually been stabbed in the back. For sure it does, and I think that there have been moments where i felt betrayed even in something that wasn't for the better right. i think that's a beautiful example because at the end of the day like it was for the better but there are moments where we are betrayed and it's not for the better and it cost us, and it changes how we think about ourselves, or others and I feel like betrayal communicates something to us right and so we have to understand what this communicated to me. I had a betrayal last year and in the process of really navigating that betrayal what I couldn't get over is how did I miss it like how did I miss it like I I don't understand how I allowed this to happen to me and um I think that those voices and what it communicates about like you're not this and you're not that that's why the betrayal really stings and so getting over it for me comes down to really answering that question how did i miss it what are some checkpoints or safety points that i should have next time not that I’m shutting everything down I’m going to keep going. I’m going to keep growing,

 I’m going to keep my heart open for the next person for the next space and opportunity. But what I want to understand is how can I be a better qualifier based off of this wound that I just experienced because betrayal does make you feel like i cannot trust myself or the decisions, I make oh my god you're so right I love how you just put that. Because it really does become about you oh no it's about you it's really not about what they did it's like how did i let this happen on my watch yeah so how do you get to that point then of thinking of it like that because in the moment because I’m always in hindsight there's always some clarity yeah but in those moments it never feels like that no so how did you i mean going from you know at 13 that your sister portrays you and then just last year to be able to take a portrayal that you just had and be like oh okay so what did i miss and like almost like just use it as a lesson um how long did that take you to evolve to that point i will tell you that i am one of those people who believe that everything that's happening in my life is happening for me so when i have a betrayal it's really difficult because i don't feel in the moment how it could work for me now right so if everything's working for me then it should work for me now that's not how that works though it's like in time everything will work together if you let the course of time play out then it's going to work together and so there's this beautiful sometimes complicated mental exercise of how could this work out for my good like how could this become better and to allow ourselves to really think on that in a way that says okay well maybe this next time I’ll do this or next time I’ll do that it allows us.

 To open up our mind for how this wound can turn to wisdom this betrayal that i had last year i knew that it was trying to teach me a lesson and because i believe that everything that happens to me is ordained my goal is to lean into it and then to figure out what is the lesson connected to this so that i don't miss it next time wow yeah are you comfortable to discuss the situation but i can't it was a professional betrayal and there was someone who was on our team that just did something that felt like completely left field i couldn't I couldn't understand what happened and then left the company in organization kind of like in this blaze of i won't call it glory because it was betrayal right in this blaze of betrayal and i was trying to figure out how our hiring practices needed to change and what were some of the culture issues that we were having within our organization that would allow something to slip through the cracks oh my god i love that so much because um i I immediately when you said that i was like i would have gone straight into.

 

 I do if a team member leaves, I go into straight like oh my God, I’m a terrible leader yeah right how could I have not seen it coming like that's a failure on my part and I think there is an um a strength to that right in the sense of okay. if it's all my fault what have I done wrong how do I um change it um but it's actually a little different to me when it becomes someone in your family also or a friend there's so much more emotion in it um are you like are you able to distinctly separate things like okay this went wrong and this went wrong when it is something that's emotional for you no I’m not but i will say this that i learned that those people cannot have access to certain parts of my person um you know not every person in your family can feed you not every person in your family can help. You promote growth and to create an environment. For you to incubate hope some people are blowing your candle out while you're trying to get the flame going right and so to understand that like if I’m writing a book and i have someone who doesn't think that I’m smart or thinks it is silly no one's going to buy your book then i can't talk to my about my book to them to really understand based off of my interactions and engagements.

What boundaries i need even when it comes to family because it does hurt to have someone who's supposed to be in your corner tell you that you shouldn't be in the fight in the first place and there's I’ll tell you this there's even a way where someone can tell you that i don't think this is your fight without damaging you in the process right because not everyone has to agree with you. I’m not talking about having yes men right I’m talking about people who know how to even steer you in a different direction with grace and kindness in your heart and soul and mind yet people who are just like that brutally honest i don't believe in that i don't think that's cute being brutally you can be honest without being brutal because at the end of the day there's a person connected to it and so really understanding who in my family is qualified to help me with this part of my life.

 

Who is just a great babysitter who makes the best potato salad and to be able to categorize them properly is really important. i love that so much because just because you make an amazing potato salad doesn't mean that you've got a great idea about my business strategy oh no but i cannot wait to see you at the cookout that's really important actually because i think that if we respect people it then at least for me if i respect someone i used to think oh well it means i have to listen to them right and all you have to do really is make sure that they feel like they have got their voice out but you don't have to take what they say and make it a part of your decision making especially when you know that you've got something that no one's really going to understand but you for a minute like when i created woman evolve i was like i want to create a space. Where people who know the lyrics to Beyoncé’s songs and love Megan d stallion but also want to figure out a little bit about scripture could come together i don't really figure out like who am i how do i come through my past traumas and mistakes.

 

 And how do i show up in the world and there was really nothing like it at least nothing that i had been exposed to that looked like that and it seemed a little crazy. When we were planning our pre-shows and what the content was going to be like and yet there was this space that was just for me if i would have told someone who only believed in traditional models of faith or only believed in traditional expressions of women's ministry then they would have told me that you can't do this, and you can't do that. And i would have maybe listened and missed out on the opportunity to be exposed to places and spaces that i should have never been in but um because i dared to believe and dare to incubate that thing and to keep boundaries around it I’ve been able to really experience some transformation for people i dare to believe that really hit me there yeah is it there it's a dare sometimes believing in yourself believing in what?

Anyway, the truth is I’m not qualified but I’m going to dare to go after it anyway, just because it's true doesn't mean it has to become the compass in which you navigate your life with sometimes, faith is a dare sometimes building is a dare my heart is broken but I’m going to dare to love again I’m grieving but I’m going to dare to get up and go to work it’s going to dare to continue to show up in my life with my broken pieces with my leftovers because i believe that if i continue to do that that there is unexpected beauty for me to behold not for me to achieve but for me to behold there is a version of you that you have yet to behold you are just getting started and you're going to have to have these mornings in these moments where you dare to keep your eyes open even when it's easier to go through them with them closed and afraid so I’m going to keep my eyes open and my heart open because there's another me that i want to behold just need to let that sit that was so powerful girl um it's such a like a beautiful powerful word but what do you think that is there is it giving people permission even if they don't feel capable i think it's permission for it to not be easy.

 The only thing about sound bites and social media and motivational quotes is that it makes it sound like so easy the only person i want to be better than is the person i was yesterday that sounds beautiful for a quote and it's true but sometimes that's a dare for people and i think dare says this is permission for you to be courageous because it's not always going to be easy and it's going to be an adventure a dare speaks to adventure it speaks not easy it's bold it's courageous you're going to have to become someone and do it whenever you're playing truth or dare as a kid it's like I’m going to put something in front of you and you're going to have to become someone to do it to close your eyes and just allow me to feed you something that's what's going to happen for us. We’re going to dare to step into these moments of our life and we're going to have to become someone to do that and i think that there's a permission and adventure connected to that word wow are there any um bumpers though or is it like sky's the limit dare to do this dare to do that or do you like well it's like it only works if x y and z I think the only bumper that i would add is that the dare is not to get the dare is to become go on [Laughter].

You know like I’m not daring you to become a billionaire right I’m daring you to become someone who produces their idea and sees it down to the finish line I’m daring you to become not to go and get and so when it is always about becoming and changing the way i think and communicating and educating and learning and growing this is about me becoming not what i can get so that's the only bumper i would add that's a pretty amazing bumper yeah that's a good one and you actually said it slightly I didn't want to interrupt you but it basically is your perception of house what success is yes um talk to me about that because it's so powerful i think that we so get hung up on the end goal yeah which can be beautiful it's such a great driving force but we get so hung up on that that we think if we don't get there it's a failure okay.

 

 I’ll talk about it even with this book so um you know the book became a New York times’ bestseller when it came out and that was really exciting but i spent a lot of time in the pre-order phase in the marketing campaign not making my success about whether or not i hit the New York times bestsellers list because at the end of the day, there are incredible books that never make the list but what does happen is that it gets into the hands of one person or two people or a thousand people and it changes those people's lives and so i wanted this book to be about transforming people's lives not necessarily having a shiny sticker on top of it and so for me, when people started reading the book and they were like this is helping me, this is changing me, this is transforming me i said that's the sticker that's the only sticker that matters.

And so success for me was about taking what i knew God gave me putting it out into the earth and allowing it to do whatever it does from that point I I said this once in an Instagram live that, success is obedience. it is not allowing what's in you to die in you it is being obedient to that urge and that nudge that's pushing you towards manifestation and when i am obedient what happens from this is up to God and the world and the universe and the people who are connected to it but my only goal was to be obedient to what was in me and i became obedient and you know everything else happened after that, God i love that so what would you actually do though if you were being obedient and you write the book you're very proud of it and it completely tanks but the obedience is in writing the book it is not in the outcome it's not in the reception it's not in the validation of how people receive it.

 

The obedience is in i wrote the book and the moment that the book is written, you have become obedient and therefore successful because it's you can't say that i don't want my life to be built on validation. And then say i need my validation in order to become successful. You know yeah um the success is like i said in becoming obedient to what's in you Sarah you're just freaking amazing oh your book is chock full of such gold i could honestly talk to you forever girl um but where can people find you where can people find the book and everything that you're up to all your speaking events that you're doing okay i am on Instagram and Facebook at Sarah jakes Roberts the book is available at womanevolv.com and you can go on there and get plugged in with our community our podcast our YouTube our social media tours everything so just womanyvault.com and you can get all the goodies guys you have to read this book she reads the audible.

If you're an audible fan i am she reads it herself and it's so cool to hear her talk about it so go get this book and if you're not following her go check her out check out all the amazing things, she's doing her sermons her speaking is just fire and if you're not following me guys follow me at Lisa Billy and if you're not subscribed click that subscribe button down there and until next time be the hero of your own life peace out. 

What up guys, thanks so much for watching this video if you'd like another dose of badassery make sure you watch this video right here because i know you'll like it but hey also while you're here guys you might as well click that subscribe button down there so you don't miss any future episodes and of course until next time be the hero of your own life peace out.”

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